Monday, October 11, 2010

Musical Interlude - When I Was A Fool

Hello, Gentle Readers.  I apologize, again, for the umpteenth time, for being such a tease. I constantly make promises on this blog to you (and to myself) and then consistently fail in meeting them.  I have the best of intentions.  Honestly, I do.  But you know what they say about good intentions.

You'll notice my Illustration Friday challenge flamed out after only one week.  How pathetic is that?  I encountered artist's block (I know of writer's block. What do you call it when you're stumped on visual art?) on the second assignment, then completely froze up beyond that week.  The longer it went, the worse it got, and self-doubt crept in.  Maybe I've completely lost the ability to be creative, to draw, to write. They say "use it or lose it"; and I have neglected this area of my life for so long, maybe I have, in deed, lost it. (I'm pretty sure I've lost it in the writing arena; I mean, look at how many cliched phrases and aphorisms I've already used in this post alone.) 

They say you can identify the things that are important in your life, by where you spend your time.  What does this say about me?  For the most part, the things that are most important to me are at the bottom of the list, with hardly any time devoted to them.  I barely have time to do the basics of life - go to work, fix dinner, do laundry, etc. What is wrong with me that I can't make time for the things that are important to me? I used to be such an organized, driven person.

Then, when I finally try to get back on the creativity horse with trying to do some artwork at least once a week, I fall flat on my face. I set some goals for my writing on my blog, and don't meet any of them. Some other, additional writing goals or opportunities were crushed recently as well. Then there's the whole thing about setting some goals about getting a job that is just a smidgen of rewarding, yet I continue to settle for a dead-end, un-challenging, desk job in cubicleland. If I wasn't feeling frustrated and disappointed enough in myself already, then came this week's Bible study. Normally, the Bible studies I participate in with my small group on Sunday nights are very edifying, but this week the topic stressed me out and made me feel even worse. In short, it was about making time for relationships, and taking the time to really be present with others and share God's love with them.  I can barely fit in time to pray and study the Bible, and already feel like I'm failing miserably in that arena.  Now here's another area where I'm not devoting enough time or energy. UGH!

If you've read this far, then I feel like I need to apologize to you again.  I know that no one wants to read or enjoys reading a blog where the author whines about being slothful, and I know I'm breaking an unofficial blogger rule here by self-critiquing and blogging about not having time to blog, etc. but I'm seriously trying to wrap my head around all of this. I'll be honest with you, Gentle Readers, and admit to you that I'm feeling pretty low tonight (as if you haven't already figured that out).  I'm in quite a deep hole, and I have no one to blame but myself for getting here.

I didn't write this to fish for compliments or platitudes or sympathy. (In fact, if I can figure out how to do it, I might just disable comments for this post.) I don't even know what I want to gain by writing all this. I'm completely at a loss - about everything.  I just feel like a walking piece of meat, sucking air, taking up space, and pulling a paycheck. (I'm just a little ray of sunshine tonight, aren't I?)  I know that's not true, but it's how I feel right now.

And on that cheerful note... (ha!) here's a musical interlude.  I don't have all the answers, but I do find some comfort in knowing other people struggle with these things.  I've always felt a connection to Johnette Napolitano (lead singer of Concrete Blonde) and her music. This song is actually written from a different perspective, about somewhat different issues (i.e. the dual-edged sword of celebrity, and fading fortune and fame as a rock star, etc.) but I can relate to her questioning tone, about what to do with this life we have. I just wish I could feel as strong, confident and victorious as she does by the end of the song.

When I Was a Fool
by Concrete Blonde
I re-read silly lines
That made sense at the time
Pages all stained with tears and red wine
And I walk through the
airport and see magazines
Every face that I see
So much younger than me
And I smile to myself how I
don't even miss
My glorious past or the
lips that I've kissed
And I think to myself
that how easy this is
Easy to breathe, easy to live
And I wonder why I tear myself in two
Over how to be, what to say and what to do
And I know you liked me better then
And I know you liked me
better when I was a fool
...I was a fool
...I was a fool

So I live in these days
But I still have my old ways
'cause the future,
somehow, has yet to arrive
And I see all around me the women on time
Kids and divorces and crisis in midlife
and do I surrender and give up my dream
for a brick in the wall and
a washing machine
grow up and get real
for a kid in their teens
who won't care what I've done
where I've been, what I've seen

And I wonder why I tear myself in two
over who to be, how to be and what to do
and I know you liked me better then
and I know you liked me
better when I was a fool
...I...was a fool
...I was a fool
...I was a fool

I'm free to a fault
I'm 45
I'm playing guitar
I'm living my life
Fly down the highway
Sun on my face
I belong to nobody
I belong to no place