One is the Loneliest Number

Writing can be a lonely endeavor.  It's just you and the blank piece of paper (or blank Word document on your computer screen).  There's no one there to help you through it.  No one to tell you what to do.  There's just you and your imagination in an empty, quiet room.  It can be equal parts thrilling and... lonely.

I've been feeling very lonely lately, and it has little to do with the number of people I'm surrounded with or that I encounter in any given day.  In fact, I am blessed with an amazing husband, dear life-long-friends, and a terrific writing colleague.  They are all loving, supportive, offer good criticisms, hold me accountable to my goals, and are always there for me, through thick and thin. There's even the immediate gratification of interacting with all of you, Gentle Readers, who are also a connection point for me through the miracle of the interwebs.  But at the end of the day, it's still all up to me.

As I said, I have found myself struggling with loneliness lately, in almost every area of my life.  I work a part-time job in a very small office, staffed with very few people, and the rest of the time I freelance out of my home where it's just me, myself, and I.  When it comes to my freelance work, if I want to run an idea by someone, there's no co-worker to ask.  If I have a question about something, there's no manager to email.  When clients are unreasonable or difficult, there's no client representative to mediate for me. When I wonder how to promote my skills, there's no marketing department to point me in the right direction. I feel like I'm just floating out there, alone. 

Then of course, there are the personal struggles - having family members pass away or fall away from being in my life, when my family is so little to begin with, having friends move away or drift away as they often do, especially in such a transient state like Arizona, and then there's the exclusion that comes from not having "normal" interests or not having children or whatever the excluding factor is that eliminates me from a given social group.  I don't begrudge anyone that, I suppose.  Even on days when I really needed someone to talk to recently, friends were unavailable because of prior commitments, and my husband was called into work for an emergency and had to stay beyond his normal working hours.  Or there have been times where I have shared what I've been struggling with, only to have the other person shut me down because they either couldn't understand why I couldn't cope with life or they themselves couldn't deal with what I was telling them.

All of this has just made it painfully clear to me that we all long for connection, but no one can fully understand what it feels like to be me, to have the thoughts and feelings I have, as I walk through the practical and emotional challenges I've been facing.  That sounds really arrogant, like I'm a special and unique little snowflake, but I don't mean for it to be.  In fact, the same lesson goes for me in regards to others.  As empathetic as I think I am, as compassionate and understanding as I try to be, as loyal as a friend I hope I am, I still can't fully be there for someone.  We are all alone in the darkness.

 Now, before this bummer of a blog turns into this:


"I am utterly alone..."

(Did you just laugh at that? I hope you did.)

Before this bummer of a blog post makes everyone feel like jumping off the Winter River Bridge, let me offer the hope portion of this post, if you have been struggling with loneliness like me.

There is One who understands completely what it's like to be rejected, to be misunderstood, to be betrayed, to be alone. When He needed His friends the most, they fell asleep on Him, then ran away and denied they even knew Him.  He had people tell lies and talk smack and conspire against Him, and even His own family didn't support Him.  There is no one on earth that can understand everything you are going through, but there is One in heaven who does.  And I think my recent feelings of alienation have actually been a blessing in disguise, as it has caused me to draw closer to Him - the One who not only has "been there, done that" and can sympathize, but can also see into my heart in a way no human can, and offer solutions to my pain.  He's there for you too.  All you have to do is seek Him.   He is the light in the darkness.  We are not alone.

And just like that...

And just like that... the pages began to be filled.

One of the most simple and complicated things.  It's just a pen.  It's just paper, bound in a book.  And yet, it was as scary and thrilling and insurmountable looking as man deciding to walk on the moon.  I took a deep breath, and with one swipe of the pen, the spell was broken.  Just like that.

I liked the scritchy-scratchy sound of the pen on the paper.  

Typing all the time for my day job and for my writing, I had forgotten how rewarding the tactile feel of pen to paper was.  It felt so right; like coming home.  I think I need to do more writing this way.  I also noticed there was less editing and more of a straight and pure flow of ideas and thoughts. It didn't have to be good.  It didn't have to be perfect.  It could just be.  No re-thinking each sentence, with my fingers hovering over a backspace key.  No scrolling back up to move or delete paragraphs.  That will come later, if this story decides it wants to be something more.  For now, there was freedom in just letting it all take me where it wanted to go. That may sound weird, since it was coming from my own brain, but in my experience with writing fiction, it's best to sit back and listen to the characters and where they want to go. I was surprised where "William" went in this story.  Turns out he has some hidden pyrokinesis powers.  What a surprise!

Writing prompts are fun, and dispel the overthinking that paralyzes me.

I have a lot of stories and characters and ideas all rolling around in my head.  So when I sit down to write, it's hard to focus or decide which one is the "winning" idea that I should work on.  As of late, when I would finally decide on what story to tell, I would overthink how to start, or what I wanted to do, and be so overly-concerned with accomplishing everything I had in mind, it would quickly get to the point where I would be paralyzed with the inability to even get started, overwhelmed by everything that concerned me.

I have a book of writing prompts and creativity starters (which I once thought were cheesy, but now have a new appreciation for).  I sat down with my journal, looked up one of the prompts and off I went.  It was like opening all the cans of fingerpaint and smearing them around on the paper until something cool happened, or until you saw something you liked.  What a freeing little exercise.  Like your elementary school teacher asking you to write about what you would like to do over your summer vacation.  Funny, how such a simple, silly prompt could jump start all the gears that I thought were long rusted over, still and silent.  How exciting, to know everything was still there, waiting to be put to use.

And now, if you'll excuse me.  I have more writing to do.

Today is a Special Occasion

So...friends and dear readers... I know it has been a while since I have been here. I think about you often. I think about writing and blogging often. I think about creating art often. Life gets in the way. We all know the story. How many countless blog posts have we all seen where the blogger laments not having posted in a while?

This is not that kind of post.

My heart and my brain have been mulling this over for hours now, and I know I won't be able to go to bed tonight without exorcising the words from my noggin. I started writing my thoughts to my Facebook status, then realized it needed to be much longer than just a couple sentences.  I have so much I want to say to you and have no idea how to articulate it.

I don't want this post to be a bummer or bring you down. I want it to challenge you, to inspire you. And just maybe, I want you to hold me accountable.  But more on that in a minute...

This past December, for one long terrible month, I experienced a horrific infection that almost took my sanity along with my skin.  (I am still dealing with the after-effects. But that's another story for another time.)  In the middle of that nightmare, my mother-in-law was admitted to the ICU on a completely unrelated matter.  I was barely on the upswing of my own recovery and by sheer will, forced myself to find enough energy to get it together, get dressed, and go see her.  A week later, she passed on.  I'm thankful for every one of those final fleeting conversations I was able to have with her.

This afternoon, I had to spend a few hours at my mother-in-law's condo cleaning out some stuff. I found brand-new makeup that will never be used, brand-new clothes that will never be worn, brand-new jewelry still in their presentation boxes.

I loved my mother-in-law, so please don't hear this as a criticism.  I just want to share the lesson I learned today.  Something I'm so thankful to both God and my mother-in-law for showing me.

She was always on the hunt for the latest and greatest youth-in-a-bottle remedy for wrinkles or age spots.  She had tonics and serums and solutions by the cabinet-full.  Guess what... My husband and I loved her, no matter what she looked like.  We never cared about or even noticed the things about her appearance that bothered her so much.  The buckets of money and the stress she could have saved herself if she would have just embraced herself and not worried about appearances. When I went through my recent illness, it affected my appearance. I looked like Freddie Kruger's ugly cousin.  And guess what... my husband didn't stop loving me.  My friends didn't stop talking to me.

Your friends and family love you for who you are, not how you look.

My mother-in-law's house is filled with brand-new things she bought and never even took out of the box.  They gathered dust and brought no joy to her life.  She will never wear that jewelry, or that new blouse, or use those scented candles, or watch those movies.  It is all dusty and turning to dust.  I'm not mad at her for it, just sad.  What was she waiting for? What was she saving them for? Why didn't she enjoy those things while she was alive?  There are two things that struck me about this:

1.  Spend your time, money, and talents on the things that matter (which usually is not the inanimate "things" of this world).

It's not a sin to have nice things (within reason).  However, you will be more happy if you collect precious memories with your friends, if you store up fun adventures and experiences, if you spend time on helping others, on being a friend, on showing love, rather than hunting down the latest and greatest piece of technology or newest fashion trend.  And if you do treat yourself to a pretty new perfume or a fancy dress (I, myself, am a sucker for silver jewelry) - wear it today.  Don't wait for "someday" or a special occasion.  And if you find out it's not something you will use or wear, give it to someone else who will be blessed by it, and you will be blessed in return.

2. Today is the special occasion!  Now is the time to enjoy life, not later.  "Later"or "someday" is not guaranteed to any of us.

My extended illness wasn't necessarily life-threatening, although it teetered on that line.  But it was debilitating.  I was overjoyed on the day I had enough strength to get up and pour myself a cup of juice without getting tired.  The day I was finally able to do the laundry myself, I was so thankful to be upright and moving and the smell of that fabric softener was the sweetest smell in the world.  I'm not kidding.  I appreciated every mundane moment.  How quickly that gratitude faded, and I was back to complaining about traffic, instead of reveling in the moment to enjoy the song on the stereo, happy to be outside instead of cooped up in bed.

But I digress...

Here is the final lesson I learned today, in the school of life.  At my mother-in-law's house, I came across a pretty book with a flower fairy on the cover.  Recognizing the illustration, and being a fan of artist Cicely Mary Barker, I picked it up thinking it was a collection of her art.  Instead, I discovered it was a journal.  It was completely blank.  Dear readers, I began to cry. Why?  Because my studio is filled with journals, some of them I've bought and some have been given to me, some are lined for writing and some are made of art paper for sketching, and almost every single one of them are blank.  My mother-in-law's life is over.  Those stark blank pages spoke to the reality that there are no more chances for her to fill her journal. But I am still alive.

What am I waiting for?  Now is the time.

Where have I been spending my time?

My head is full of stories and things to say.  I've known since I was old enough to draw and write that I wanted to write stories and illustrate them. Writing matters to me. Why am I not spending time on it?  Drawing and painting matter to me.  Why am I not spending time on making art?  So I'm recommitting myself again, to spend more time on what matters - using the skills God gave me, doing what I love, and loving Him and loving others along the way too.  (I have no clue if the commitment to write more will equate to more posts on this blog, but please stick around.  It might be a pleasant byproduct of this adventure.) I'm not perfect. I will stumble.  I will make mistakes.  I will fall.  But my prayer is that each time I will get back up and press on, appreciate each moment (even the painful ones), take nothing (or no one) for granted, and have no regrets.

What are your talents?  Are you using them?
Who do you love?  Have you told them?
What are you waiting for?

You are uniquely gifted.  God loves you and wants you to use those gifts.
Your friends and family love you for who you are, and are your biggest cheerleaders. 
Spend time on things that matter. 

Today is the special occasion you've been waiting for.

Sketches from the Island



Via Lost in Comics

 I stumbled across this guy's blog a while ago, but I don't think I have ever mentioned it to you, Loyal Readers. JJ Harrison is an artist that has drawn some really wonderful, funny, LOST-inspired cartoons. He has an energetic, cartoon/illustration style and makes the Losties look bright and cheerful while also poking fun at the dark twisted aspects of the show. I never knew such a dark sci-fi drama with such complex, flawed characters could look so... well... cute!  Even the Dharma shark and submarine are adorable.

They're all worth checking out, especially if you were a Lostie.  Be sure to start with his archives and be prepared to lose a few hours as you click through each one. Here's a link to the first cartoon he posted, to get you started. 



Via Lost in Comics

 However, this cartoon above has to be my absolute favorite so far.  It's the first of a series of cartoons that tells the story of Desmond and Penny as if it were a children's book or fairy tale.  Aww... Desmond and Penny!  Just looking at this cartoon makes me want to go back and re-watch all the Desmond-centric episodes of LOST.  Check out Harrison's interpretation of that pivotal phone call in "The Constant".  It's equal parts funny and sweet.  He definitely nailed Desmond's crazy-eyed overjoyed expression.  (I know these pics are tiny. Please click on them to go to the artist's site. I'd rather you saw them in all their glory there, and gave his site some traffic.)

He also did a series of Star Wars/LOST mash-up posters, which actually ended up being a big hit with the cast and crew of LOST.  I don't always like the whole mash-up idea, but these posters are amazing.  I couldn't decide which one to post here, they're all so good.  So, again, please click on his link, and check them all out for yourselves (or buy a print or two).  He really is a very talented, funny guy.  Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to boot up my Blu-ray disks of LOST.  Namaste!

Via JJ Harrison

Teatime Tuesday - Tealights



Via Boing Boing



After yesterday's post, it's time for something completely different. It's time for tea!  I know you won't be surprised to read this, Loyal Readers, but I have an "Alice" guest bedroom in my house.  It is decorated with all things that remind me of Wonderland.  One day I was searching online for tealights, as in those tiny candles, and this came up in my results instead. When I saw this "tealight" idea, I knew I just had to figure out how to incorporate it into my room. 

This was the first example I came across.  I like retro anything, but these cups aren't really my style, especially for my Alice room, which has a very Victorian flavor. Still, the idea is simple, whimsical and just perfect. I think they used an Ikea hanging pendulum light kit to make these. I imagine it would work just as well with some classically shaped, Victorian-styled teacups, although the thought of someone cutting a hole into the bottom of a fine bone china cup or their grandmother's heirloom cups makes me cringe. Once I saw this example though, the hunt was on!

Via Manolo for the Home

This next example looks like they took a regular wall sconce and fitted the teacups and saucers over where the shades should be.  It doesn't look too hard, in theory, and the ceramic nature of the teacups would ensure they wouldn't catch fire.  Be sure to click on the link to the site because they have a lot of other great ideas for repurposing old teacups into jewelry stands, bird feeders and even a giant clock.

Via eHow

If you are handy and ambitious, you can make your own teacup chandelier using this tutorial on eHow. I love the fun, vibrant Wonderland-esque mix-and-match colors they used for their teacups. I could easily see this in a little girl's room. 

All this talk of easy do-it-yourself crafts like this makes me want to go out and buy a ceramic drill bit.  However, I must admit that I'm not really handy when it comes to bigger, more intense crafting projects like this. I'd be afraid I'd end up with a table full of broken china and nothing to show for it.  So which one of you has a generous spirit (and pocketbook) and would like to donate $200 so I can just buy this instead?

Via Amazon

BRAVE

"Do not fear.  I am with you." ~ God

It's been almost a year since I've posted here.  And my, what a year it has been!  Have you ever heard people say, "Be careful what you pray for"?  The reason they say that is, for example, if you pray for patience, instead of God just snapping His fingers and magically making you patient, He will instead give you more opportunities (or at least make you more aware of the opportunities as they are happening) to learn and practice patience.  Well, for a long time now, I've been praying and asking God to help me to be brave.  Do you see where this is going?

Let's get honest here, shall we? More honest than I probably have ever been on this blog, and more personal that I have been or probably ever will be.

I struggle with anxiety, worry and fear. I have ever since I was a little kid in elementary school.  I'm always worried that the worst will happen in any given situation.  Well, this past year, the worst did happen. And you know what, I made it through to the other side.  Not because of my iron will to pick myself up by my bootstraps, but because I finally surrendered control, or I gave up my delusion that I was in control.  I submitted to God and recognized that He was the one in control, and what better person to be at the helm? He is a good and loving God. He is all-powerful. This is the guy who made the universe! Not only that, but He is the only one that offers true peace, true comfort and real, satisfying answers for the pain and heartache we experience in this world.

You'll forgive me for being intentionally vague about the details. I don't do it to be mysterious or set your minds to wondering. It's because the details don't necessarily matter. The point is, with God, we don't have to fear.  Yes, bad stuff will happen, but with God there is comfort. There is peace. There are answers. Over and over again in the Bible, God tells His people "Do not fear. I am with you." then He commands them to action. With God, we are already the victors, no matter what trials come our way.

What a relief it is, to turn it all over to Him! After walking through that valley with Him, I felt a freedom from my fear. But God didn't leave me there. He kept working on me, teaching me how to be even more fearless and brave in my every day life, to live a life pleasing to Him. You see, it's easy for me to be brave for everyone else. I've done things for others that I would never do for myself. If need be, without hesitation, I'd lay down in oncoming traffic for my friends or family, but when it comes to making decisions or actions regarding myself, I'm so hesitant and fearful.  Well, sure enough, God has placed a couple opportunities in my lap, to help me continue to learn how to be brave.  Last week, I took the first step towards embracing them.  I hope I can let the talents He's given me shine. I hope I don't waste the opportunity.   

I want to be brave.

Musical Interlude - Stateless

So, I was listening to Pandora (internet radio) recently. Specifically, I was listening to my own radio station "Victoria's Vault" that I started almost exactly four years ago. I've been finessing my station for so long now, with those "like" and "dislike" buttons, that I've gotten it down to a nice blend of progressive rock, alternative rock, and some moody acoustic/indie artists and instrumental offerings. I know that sounds like a weird mix, but it really does work.

For those of you who haven't used Pandora before, their music genome project will analyze the types of sounds you like and, based on its formulas, will offer up songs it thinks will match what you like. (If you're interested in the parameters Pandora has identified for my musical tastes, just click here.  Not sure what "extensive vamping" is musically, but apparently I like it.)

When it suggests a song or band I haven't heard of before, or that I didn't "seed" my station with, I will usually think it's just okay or passible, but every now and then, Pandora will strike gold. A few weeks ago Pandora played the song "Bloodstream" by the British band Stateless and I was over-the-moon and completely hooked. I downloaded the album and I simply can't. stop. listening. to. it. Stateless is, for want of a better description,an electronic alternative rock band with hip hop, classical guitar and electronica dance influences. That makes it sound like a hot mess (and definitely not something that I would instantly be drawn to), but it really is something to be heard.

Today, gentle readers, I'm giving you a three-for-one on this Musical Interlude, because I couldn't decide which video to link to. "Down Here" is my favorite song and video, but "Bloodstream" seems to be their big hit now (thanks to being featured on the show True Blood). And, if you only watch one video, be sure to click on "Ariel" to see the trippy motion-capture special effects they used. 

Do you use Pandora? What band/artist have you discovered as a result of Pandora or another internet radio service?  Be sure to leave me a comment and let me know. I'm always on the hunt for new ear candy.